HOMEMESSAGEARCHIVEMEABOUT ME theme

Anonymous asked:

you tell crazy stories but has a woman ever tried to kill you ?

This one girl accused me of cheating for having female friends (which i wasnt fucking or flirting with but was just cool friends I dont wanna talk to a bunch of niggas all day i need a female perspective on things) she was screaming at me for 20 mins straight

i dont argue back cause im laid back im just like mhmmm mhmmm looking in my phone checking sports scores and on twitter … so at one point she says “was the pussy atleast good my nigga?” i was like “mmhmm that shit was nice and tight”  all of a sudden i heard silence i look up shes like

image

*this is the moment where i knew i fucked up*

just looks at me like that for like 20 seconds “im like bae im just playing.. im just playing…”  she runs to the kitchen… and starts going in the drawers “im like shawty u needa chill”   im like “im just playing”

she pulls something out all i see was the light beam reflect off it

i get a good look i see this in her hand

im in the couch like

she starts running towards me so i open the door step outside then shut the door from the outside and use all my body weight to hold onto the door knob, She used to run track in highschool so i think she gon catch me so im like nah im not even gon run and get stabbed in the spine

she pulling tryna open it lol im in a project type building on the 12th floor man I was standing there for 43 mins shorty aint have an ounce of quit in her. People walking by laughing hearing her screaming at me

some middle aged lady walked by she was like 50 she was like “mmmmhmmm she caught your ass didnt she”

im like “ma’am help my arms tired”

she was like ahaaa nope “call that bitch you was fucking for help”  and walked into her apt

then shorties mom came out the elevator i was like thank god.. she was like oh lord what u do.. i was like “nothingg ma’am she got a knife i swear i did nothing ” her mom was like “kita put the damn knife down im coming in if u stab me imma beat your ass” i feel the pressure get off the door and i make a run for it i see her try to come chase me but her mom blocks her Im sure i coulda beat usain bolt in a race the way i was running

she was really gon stab me, If her moms aint come i woulda still been standing there holding the door to this day

jimmbbo:

perfect-melodies-filthy-wubs:

i’ve never re-blogged something so quick in my life. 

I fuckin love tumblr stories

20 Oct 14   +  38,572 notes
reblog

pandaaamonium14:

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

20 Oct 14   +  880,503 notes
reblog

my-d1vineright:

nachalibre:

uncle phil does not play

Word to Uncle Phil

20 Oct 14   +  171,099 notes
reblog

diggly:

not a lie

20 Oct 14   +  16,826 notes
reblog

maybenotboring:

and at no point has anyone thought “maybe we should not build a giant flammable goat this year”

20 Oct 14   +  187,277 notes
reblog
19 Oct 14   +  179,027 notes
reblog

miss-jaxon-flaxon-waxon:

onwardwall:

thegingerbalrog:

my-fandom-life:

dismantlerepaired:

whereismystrawberrytart:

hikingnerd:

timelordpillbug:

follovved:

amerlcanapparel:

when she says she doesn’t send nudes

image

when guys objectify women and expect them to send nudesimage

when someone asks you about your nuclear plans for russia

image

When Russia sends you nudes

image

image

image

image

image

image

19 Oct 14   +  1,355,499 notes
reblog
19 Oct 14   +  46,262 notes
reblog

communistbakery:

isfuckingfun:

Cement eclipses; tiny cement skeletons haunt the streets in Mexico.

the skeleton war hit us hard
19 Oct 14   +  53,131 notes
reblog

olympicairwayss:

What’s the password

19 Oct 14   +  97,026 notes
reblog

dredsina:

askayallqu:

Isn’t this that daft punk song

work it regular make it softer do it harder makes us porridge

19 Oct 14   +  210,436 notes
reblog

howell-lester-phanfics:

this will never not make me laugh

19 Oct 14   +  1,679,214 notes
reblog

starklady:

probably my fav game of thrones cap ever

19 Oct 14   +  68,282 notes
reblog

prince-everhard:

prince-everhard:

look at that double-take she does though

The director said the mission was a success. They got the data. They all made it out alive. Yet boom, South’s being blamed for “alerting them to the next attack” or whatever bullshit the director said. South is the one being bumped down the list. Why not North, who used experimental equipment in the field without a hardline to command? Why not Carolina who cleared North for that equipment in a move that should have been super catastrophic (success rate of .001%)? South even points this unfairness out!

"I thought you said the mission was a success, sir."

Damn fucking right he did and damn fucking right it was. But the director makes is personal. He says “The mission objective was stealth” and South looks to the side like she accepts that she didn’t do stealth. She knows she didn’t. But as soon as the director says her “carelessness,” and soon as he makes it about more than the mission parameters, South checks the fuck out. She shifts back to parade rest because she is 1000% done with his bullshit, as she very well should be.

#this is so important #nobody ever acknowledges how south was not only manipulated into believing the board was her source of personal worth #but how after that ideal was cemented she was constantly undermined using it#even though it was never fair #south wasnt a soldier she was a psychological experiment and im still bitter (via theimaginaryslimshady)

19 Oct 14   +  1,561 notes
reblog

undeniableking:

2radd:

angrythecake:

poeticslave:

kyriasmith:

beben-eleben:

During a robbery, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: “Don’t move. The money belongs to the State. Your life belongs to you.”

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called “Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.

When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: “Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!” 

This is called “Being Professional” Focus only on what you are trained to do! 

When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school): “Big brother, let’s count how much we got.” 

The older robber rebutted and said: “You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!” 

This is called “Experience.” Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications! 

After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him: “Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.

This is called “Swim with the tide.” Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!

The supervisor says: “It will be good if there is a robbery every month.” 

This is called “Killing Boredom.” Personal Happiness is more important than your job.

The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million. The robbers were very angry and complained: “We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!” 

This is called “Knowledge is worth as much as gold!” 

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery. 

This is called “Seizing the opportunity.” Daring to take risks! 

So who are the real robbers here?

Oh

Wow… If you don’t read this, you’re wilding.

This is rather relevant to how I ended up in my job position…

wow

Dammnnn

19 Oct 14   +  213,171 notes
reblog